My Favourite Things

To commemorate her 69th birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:

(Sing It!)-

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel so bad.

Building Updrafts

There was a tourist sitting in a New York bar having a drink, when another guy walks over to him and asks, "Have you heard of the New York updrafts?" The tourist responds, "No". The guy says, "Well, finish your beer and meet me on top of that building in a half-an-hour." Thirty minutes later they both meet on top of the building. The guy says to the tourist, "Watch this!", and he jumps off the building and floats back onto the ledge. The tourist says, "Do it again!!". So the guy jumps off and floats back onto the ledge. The tourist says, "If you do it one more time I'll do it." So the guy jumps off for a third time and floats back onto the ledge. The tourist then jumps off the building and hits the pavement. Two guys walk by the building, look up and say, "Damn Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

revenge

My brother used to stay on the Isle of Arran, one night his mate got off with one of the many tourists. Unfortunately, he had too much to drink, in the midst of making wild passionate sex with the young woman; he threw up all over her and went to sleep. Obviously, this did not go down too well with the charming girl, as you would expect. On awaking the following morning, my brother’s mate discovered a huge shit placed perfectly in the middle of his chest. Nice one…….